ASC articles

Small talk: a valuable tool for building relationships27. February 2013Small talk is used in many situations, such as when meeting people one does not know well, during the office lunch break, breaks in large meetings and social events, to name a few. For many the goal is to keep a pleasant tone and avoid embarrassing silences. However, small talk can also be used strategically to give a good first impression and to get a feel for the other person. Thus, a good command of small talk can help lay the foundation for a productive relationship. A study of MBA students at Stanford emphasizes the importance of small talk, the study shows that the ability to speak in social settings is the best indicator of success in the business world *. The key lies in choosing the right topics and keeping the dialogue balanced and active.

It is easier to pick suitable topics in familiar surroundings than in a foreign setting. Suitable topics depend on many factors, including country, culture, profession, society and gender. Understanding this becomes increasingly relevant when arriving in a foreign country and needing to fit in quickly with the themes which are dominant in the new environment. Although one should assimilate as soon as possible, one can make up for lack of knowledge by showing genuine interest in the host's chosen topics.

Despite regional differences, there are some topics which tend to work all over the world:

• Sports
• Popular culture, such as movies and books
• Food and beverage, both at home and in restaurants
• Weather
• Tourism
• Shared interests and hobbies, such as pets and activities

A golden rule is to speak your share of the time. If there are two in the conversation, each should speak half the time, are there three, a third, etc. This will allow all parties to feel they contributed and were heard, and thus also that they got an impression of the other, and gave an impression. When one party dominates the conversation, he or she does not get an impression of the other and the others feel ignored. This can often happen when knowledge is unevenly distributed between the parties. A common example is that of a dog owner talking about his or her dog to someone who does not have animals.

Another golden rule is to avoid strong and / or controversial opinions. Although one can often get the impression of having had a successful conversation, especially when one has good knowledge and evidence for held opinions, there is always a risk of offending someone who will retain a negative impression of you over time. While objections may be voiced, most often they are not, for fear that tempers may fray and create an unpleasant atmosphere. To continue the dog example: in criticizing badly trained dogs, one may find oneself talking to someone with such a dog. It is unlikely the dog owner will publicly want to defend such dogs, especially in front of others. How critical this is varies by topic. While most people accept disagreeing on the performance of a sports team, disagreements on topics like religion, which are grounded in deep faith and identity, may be very hurtful.

While the choice of a good topic lays the groundwork, skill is often needed to keep the conversation alive and interesting. Five pieces of advice are:

1. Do not change or hijack the subject. Give a supportive comment and a follow-up question to what was said. The initiator usually has more to say, give him / her the opportunity to feel interesting.
   
2. Ask specific questions rather than general ones. Questions like "how are you" ask for the dull response "good", which is difficult to progress from. Rather ask specific questions like: "We like to eat out and are looking for good restaurants, can you recommend any?". This question allows for a more detailed response.
   
3. When you are asked a general question, give a specific answer. So for the question: "how are you", answer: "very good, we ate at a Thai restaurant yesterday that really made the night."
   
4. Avoid negative comments or observations, which could easily give the impression that you are a negative person.
   
5. To conclude a conversation, go back to the opening topic. Have you discussed restaurants, conclude with: "Those were good suggestions! I am looking forward to the next time I go out." This brings the conversation to a natural circle and thus a good ending.

It takes a lot of practice to build competence in small talk. ASC has specific courses for those working internationally in how to master this and other tools for social settings, so as to help build more and better relationships. The topics is also included in our preparation for expatriation courses. Please contact us for more information.

* Thomas H. Harrell and Bernard Halpert, Attributes of Successful MBA's: A Twenty-Year Longitudinal Study.